WOW
by mirageangel
Summary: Follow the famous Seto Kaiba as he rips on every single person from the Yugi clan. What started as an new day ended in a total disaster. Is Mokuba gay or straight? (caution, funny and yet quite shocking-
1. monkeys, doctors and valentine's day

**Wow**

Wow! Today started as a one very screwed up day. I cannot even begin to think where to start. First of all, my day was completely ruined by the worst holiday on the face of the planet. Want to know which? Three guesses, but you will probably only need one and the other two do not count. Yep, it is Valentine's Day, the most despised day on the calendar for me.

It disgusts me; people giving each other their little presents to show their love and affection. Ha, what a joke. Feelings do not last. They never last.

Valentine's was always the most upsetting day of the year for me because I knew that no one can ever love me, but that again I did not need their love. I have been getting by without it before, so why should it bother me now. As far as I am concerned the only love I need is from my little brother, Mokuba, our brotherly love that we share.

Concerning Mokuba by the way, that was the second misfortune of my day. As I already said earlier, I was not even planning on waking up, but unfortunately Mokuba did that for me.

This morning, February the fourteenth, as I was drowned in my deep sleep, which surprisingly had no nightmares, I felt someone shaking me furiously trying to wake me up.

"Go away", I said still not realizing thoroughly what was going on. I did not quite catch the concept of why I was being woken up from my slumber on such a short notice.

"Oniichan, wake up, you are going to be late for school", he said shaking me more gently now.

I waved my left hand in the direction from which the enthusiastic voice was coming from and said, "There is no school today, Mokuba, leave me alone." I tried to pretend that I was falling asleep again, which I actually was, since I was so tired from working all night yesterday. I had to finish a couple of the company reports, concerning the latest technology advancements at Kaiba Corp. Although two or three cups of coffee kept me up late, I always dreaded drinking them, mainly because I always felt extremely sleepy and my head received unbearably painful headaches the next morning.

So, already guessed how I was feeling? Yeah, I felt like shit.

And I felt even worse now that my little brother was yelling at me in my sleep. Just when I felt the wave of relief flooding over me as I thought that he had left the most unexpected thing happened, because apparently, Mokuba had totally different plans for me.

Completely out of nowhere, Mokuba got a microphone, which I did not even knew he had, which was somehow connected to the speakers in my room, which were there for the mansion intercom.

"Seto Kaiba," the intensifying sound yelled," you get out of the bed this instant, or else."

What the…"All right, all right, I am up damn it! What in the hell do you want Mokuba!" I screamed furiously as I practically flew out of bed, my farm feet now touching the cold wooden floor.

When he saw how angry I was, he lowered the mike, and looked up at me with the most innocent, pleading blue eyes I have ever seen, and said," I am sorry big brother," his eyes were now full of tears as I felt my heart wretch.

Before I could say anything else of at least apologize to him, he grabbed his violet backpack and ran out of the room shutting the door loudly behind him.

'Mokuba, wait' I wanted to say, but it was too late as I heard the front door slam, and I knew Mokuba was already gone.

'Damn, damn, damn' I thought as I realized what just happened. I sighted deeply and ran my hand through my thick, chocolate hair. 'Now he will not forgive me for a while.'

'What did he want that was so important anyway…strange. He usually did not use such a harsh method for waking me. Whatever he had to say must have been important.'

Just as that thought ran through my mind, ironically I looked up and saw a small blue bag by the door. Mokuba must have dropped it while running out.

I went over to the door and grabbed the blue bag. I sat back down on my king-sized bed and opened the colorful bag. Inside, there were two small packages. One was carefully wrapped in a rainbow colored paper with a medium, white bow to match the thick white lines of the paper, rather than the thin blue, orange, and yellow colors. The other, was blue, almost the same color of the bag that contained both gifts. It had a very nice, detailed watercolor artwork and had an outlined picture of the famous Mona Lisa.

I looked at the little silver tag attached to it which said 'Happy Holidays, Niisan. From: Mokuba.'

'Hmm,' I thought, 'which holiday was he referring to?' Even though I did not know what the holiday was, I felt very guilty that I screamed at by brother, when the only thing he tried to do was give me a present.

I sighted deeply again, as I was about to put down the bag, go after my brother to his middle school, and try to make it up to him somehow.

Then, completely out of the blue, I averted my gaze to the other, rainbow-colored package, and decided that I would check what was written on the pale, yellow colored square that was secured tightly to the box.

As I flipped it over, I almost felt my heart skip a beat as I read the neatly written text over and over.

My breath became rigid and quick as I read the words 'Happy Valentine's Day, Yugi. Love, Mokuba.' one more time.

At that point, I did not even know at which sentence to be more surprised about. I felt dizzy, and my head started spinning. The whole room suddenly seemed to be going round and round, like the revolving restaurant on top of the Marriot hotel. I had to hold on to my bedside drawer just to keep myself from falling off.

Love, Mokuba? Love, Mokuba? Is that what it said, no it is not possible, is it. Please, gods tell me that it is just a friendship kind of love. Please! Now that I think about it, Mokuba does spend more and more time with that good for nothing, slimy, shrimp, who thinks that the whole world wants to be friends with him.

Well, here is a newsflash for you Yugi Motou: No one cares about your retarded little friendship songs you sing with that totally dumb, slutty, idiotic person named Tea, who I do not even think is a girl, she looks more like a freaking anteater who's brain has been squashed into tiny little pieces and fed to that completely pathetic guy in their clan named Tristan, who apparently did not get any smarter by it.

Does he like not know that overly tall, anorexic monkeys like him belong in closed up lab where every once in a while shows up an old grumpy doctor with overly huge glasses under which you can not even see his eyes properly, so they seem like two misplaced blobs of old glue that overtime adopted a yellowish-brown color and smell like a wet dog, from who's sclera seem to be leaking out some disgusting, sticky, albescent stuff that goes down his dry, fat cheeks, and travels down to his curved nose which seems to be raised up a bit, so he looks like a swine, especially because of his deep red-orange freckles that resemble moles with some tiny black hair sticking out of the center. Of course the freckles match the color of his revolting, greasy hair that seems like it has not been washed in months at a time. Under his chin seem to also be enormous pimple that looks like it is going to burst any minute now and flood half of the planet. Massive sweat is now overflowing his neck which is located right under his third chin. His old, white, and half ripped doctor's outfit is covering his massive body, which seems to be so out of balance that there appears to be an illusion that a blind butcher took the pieces of old, left over meat and glued them together using one bottle of Elmers' glue. His unstable legs barely keep his body standing, as he shifts from side to side which approximately takes him two full minutes to do, one minute for one side, the other to another side. He nearly falls over, but his fat fingers which are attached to a part of his body that is supposed to be a hand, but what he has looks more like three dead cats tied together, found in an alley by some Chinese people who obviously had too much sake to drink, and who decide to make more money for their alcohol by selling them to their epileptic cousin that lives a block away, so that he can put them to a good use by making them into some sort of tofu sandwiches that he sells on the corner of the Red Lights District to some completely oblivious American tourists. So the extremely overweight doctor, with some absolutely out of sort reflex, grabs the nearby counter, that actually bends under the weight of his fat and barely holds on a as his knees almost give out. By a miracle, he seems to manage to get back up, of course not before another series of monolithic sweat drop flood down his neck. As he stands back up, he shakily outstretches his wet, slippery hand to the weird, freaky-haired monkey boy and says with a high pitched voice that which seems like pipe has been shoved down his throat hitting his every nerve and every pore that contains as much cellulite as the whole population in Africa, "My name is Mr. Fattilda McDonalds, I am your new doctor", he pauses slightly as if to think with his brain, but his reflexes tell him that he does not have one and continues, "what is your name, Mr. Monkey?"

Ha! Ha! Ha! How would you like to live in that kind of nightmare Tristan Taylor?

Whew…it felt good to let it all out…

Anyways, getting back on the Yugi Motou subject, I do not even begin to understand who exactly he had all there minions that he calls friends. Does he not realize that the one and only reason that those idiots hang out with him ids because Yami, that is right, Yami won all those duels for him.

The retard Yugi does not even deserve to have the credit for wining those duels, because here is another newsflash: he sure as hell did not win them. I mean hello? Get a freaking clue already people. Yugi is just a weak, little crybaby who can not even stand on his two feet without help of Yami.

To tell the truth, I would even respect or admire Yami if he was not as weak and pathetic as that Yugi of his. Yami is pathetic for being so nice to the damn brat who does not even deserve it.

But of course Yami is fool for doing so. Too bad for him, and he actually calls himself a King of Games. What games would those be, might I ask. Tick-Tack-Toe?

And what is up with that hair of his. It looks more like a burned stack of hay if you ask me. Do people actually believe that that is his real color? But than again, the only people he hangs out with are the number one morons in the country. I cannot really say if they are most retarded in the world, I have not been to every part of the world yet. So judging from that it would not be fair to myself to say that. But trust me; compared to them the Arabians seem overly intelligent.

And last, but certainly not least, I will repeat again that no one and absolutely on one in the world with exception of the bunch of imbeciles wants to be his friends.

Period, exclamation point.

Wait a second, did that card say that it is …….. VALENTINES' DAY?

/hopefully…..to be continued/

Yeah, different from my other story, "Lumination", but in my opinion, writing it was rather entertaining. Until next time!CIAO!


	2. the black people live next door!

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews, they were all great, and I hope you'll write some more.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-gi-oh.

Rated for: Language

Enjoy!

**Wow**

Wait a second, did that card say that it is …….. VALENTINES' DAY?

I abruptly jumped off my bed and hid under the elevated mattress. I looked at my super cool, new, digital watch, which was actually the most recent invention in Kaiba Corp. clocks department (don't ask haw we have one; just bear with me here okay?).

I almost got another heart attack as I looked at my watch which showed what I thought was impossible. It was really Valentine's Day, and it was on the worst day of the week-…Monday… ladies and gentlemen, yes it was …Monday…

I did not want say the dreaded word out loud, for it was as bad as the word …Valentine's Day… uuu.. scary...

Naturally, you wouldn't think that the rich, totally gorgeous CEO of Kaiba Corp. such as myself, if you don't mind my saying so (what am I saying of course you wouldn't), would be afraid of such a meaningless thing as a …Monday…, but I am.

Everything bad always happens on Monday. Well, at least for me it does. Once, long ago there, was even a pie throwing contest on a Monday, and guess who got hit right in their face, that's right, me! How, you ask. Well, I cannot help but wonder myself. All I know is that I woke up, with a huge headache, (obviously from drinking, but it's not like I'm ever going to admit to that anyway) and when I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I found a foreign face staring back at me, and thought, 'Geez, I must still be sleeping.'

The face that I saw before me, resembled that of a snowman who, after being a bit melted and thrown some dirt at, was peed on by a small dog that was taken on a walk by his "master", who probably would be believed if he said that he was the dogs' twin brother.

'I pray that this is a dream', I thought 'Mokuba is going to pinch me any second now, and I am going to find myself laying in my soft, warm bed curled in the cottony, light sheets that that have Ultra Downy Apple Fresh scent to them, completely clean with my perfectly pale skin showing through.'

But did I? Noooo, of course not. Instead, after standing there like an idiot for a couple more minutes, and realizing that my comfy bed fantasy, was just a mere wish, I brought my finger to the base of my head and wiped a line of white cream off my forehead. Then, I brought my finger to my mouth and carefully licked it. Now it's not what you might think, I did that just to taste what the heck was covering my entire face, so put your perverted little fantasies away and save them till the end of the story. My finger tasted like one of those vanilla cream cheese pies, and the yellow stuff was actually some lemon, or at least I think it was.

Than, I screamed, which unexpectedly sounded like that guy George, form "Scary Movie 3", (hey I still felt some affects of alcohol from the previous night, okay)?

The door to the bathroom opened, and the worried voice of my brother said," What's wrong, Oniichan?'

At this point I could not help but wonder what more should I be worried about, waking up and seeing myself like this, or letting my brother hear me scream and letting him see me like this? Okay, definitely the second one.

When Mokuba realized that there was no danger, he smiled brightly, starting laughing, and then said "Smile, big brother."

Bright flash stung my eyes, and I could not help but wonder what in the world just happened. Only after a few moments, when my situation suddenly hit me, it was too late. Mokuba and the camera were both gone, and nowhere to be found. Of course I found my brother after a while, but not the camera.

He still uses that picture against me in the most profitable for him situations. Well, we do have the same blood running in our veins, so I'm not so surprised.

Now you know why I hate Mondays, right? A bunch of other screwed up shit happened on other Mondays, but I'll tell you about that some other time, because right now, I have more important things to worry about…like….Valentine's Day….

Now, I found myself looking around, and thinking 'What the heck am I doing? I'm Seto Kaiba, and I'm hiding, yes I'm hiding from a …Monday... Never thought the day would come that I would be actually hiding under my bed like a little kid.'

Mokuba tells me that I remind him of some sort of cartoon fat cat by the name of Car..filled…or… Garfiiileed or something of that sort. He started to read on of these American comic books, not that I mind really, as long as he reads something, but I found it quite insulting when he called me a fat cat. He later on explained the reason, which he said was that Gar… he cat, also dreaded …Mondays…, from which point on, I started to he interested in the comic myself.

He also said that this cat drinks as much coffee as a Ford Expedition burns gas. That, he said, is another thing he can relate to me. I cut my coffee intake from than on.

When I finally found enough courage, I crawled out from under the bed, and said out loud to no one in particular "Ah, hell with it, I'm going to school."

I quickly got dressed, grabbed my laptop, and after contemplating for a while, picked the blue bag from my bed with an intension of opening my gift at school, and maybe if I'll feel nice enough today, maybe I'll give the other one to the shrimp.

As I walked out of my room, I knew I'd be late, but decided to go anyway just to practice my evil laugh when I'll he the bunch of imbeciles, including the anteater and the freak orangutan.

Although I finally got out of the house, I found another problem waiting for me just outside my door. The limo driver looked at me apologetically, and a bit frightened and said "I'm sorry sir, but your tires… "

He spoke no more as I looked down and saw all four of the tires of my by the way brand new limo, broken. Now tell me, what are the odds of that? But of course, at this point, I'm not really surprised at anything anymore. I mean it is, Monday… and Valentine's Day…

"What happened?" I asked quite annoyed. Right now, I wasn't even worried about the tires anymore. So much bad stuff happened so far today, that I didn't even bother to care. The only thing that I was worried about right now, was how in the hell am I going to get to school.

I sound a bit eager now, don't I? Well, since I'm so determined, I wasn't going to give up no matter what. I was going to get to school, even if I had to crawl back there on all fourths carrying a monkey dressed like Osama on my back. Well, than I'll have to formulate a plan on how to get there alive. But no worries! I am after all, the Seto Kaiba, and I will survive no matter how many monkeys in weird head turbans dressed like Middle Eastern assassins there are on my back!

With that thought in my mind, I looked at the driver who started answering the question which I even forgot I asked.

"W-ee-lll ss-i-rr," he started stuttering "I know you'll think this is strange, but something that looked like a spaceship flew over the car and …."

"Please, Hopkins, say no more. It must have been those pissed off French with whom I didn't sign the damned contract."

"But sir, don't the French have a blue and white and red flag?" he asked.

"What's your point Hopkins?" I asked still not seeing what he was getting at.

"Well, the weird spaceship, sir, it had an American flag, and there was a tall man dressed in white robes, with the pointed white hood holding it." he said in the matter-of-factly.

"Shoot, not them again! First, they put a hole in my roof, and now this. How big does the damn billboard right next to my window have to be?" Both of us look as the large, white poster that said 'I am not African American, they live next door'.

Then, ironically, we hear the voice of my enthusiastic black neighbor, "Hey there, Mr.Kaiba! What's crackalakin'?"

I look over my strong metal fence to where the 5'8 foot man is standing in from of his rundown ramshackle and crack a vague smile, all the while saying to Hopkins, "Yeah, he sure is enjoying this. Ever since he moved here, he gets no problems, while I get a new piece of my house destroyed every other morning." 'Well, it's true; this is after all the twentieth time the guy has moved in the past month. They probably got assassinated every day.'

"Maybe I should get them evicted. I am still trying to understand how they pay off all that land. He practically moved there, just to build himself a tatterdemalion, so that instead of his house being blown op, those racists blow up mine."

I watch the guy leave on his 1965, old, literally taped up two door Suzuki truck listening to what sounds like "Tipsy", still smiling brightly, and even waving!

'You just wait,' I thought,'just wait till I rub that smile off that face of yours.'

When I saw the guy disappear behind the corner, I looked back at Hopkins, who seemed to have a confused look on his face, and didn't know what to say. I sighted in defeat, and finally said, "It's okay, Hopkins, just get the car fixed, and I'll walk to school."

"Yes, sir." He said. He paused for a moment and than continued. "But sir, wouldn't you rather I get you a taxi?"

Remembering my previous bad encounters with taxi drivers who all seemed to be either gay and wanting or straight and pissed off I started to recollect a long lost memory that was now stinging my mind.

One time, obviously on a …Monday…, I called a cab. Now you're probably thinking 'Was that on a gay day, on a straight day'. Well unfortunately, the first one. Instead of driving me to Kaiba Corp., like the crazed Iraqi-looking man was supposed to, he drove me to the gay district of Shinjuku and offered me to have drink with him. So I'm like "I ain't gay." And he's like "It's never too late to start." And I'm like "Do you even know who I am?'

And he's like "That's the whole reason why you're here." And before I'm like 'Fuck off.', he launches himself at me and gives me my first gay, passionate and deeply bruising kiss. At this point, my mind is so shocked, that it can't even think, so the only thing I hear is my conscience screaming at me 'What the hell! I thought we decided that we're not gay! And now you're dumping me for some gross middle aged guy? That's it, it's like sooo over between us. I'm like so totally leaving you for that other, much more intelligent guy Yami. At least he's more sensitive!' Consciences can be such bitches sometimes, but in my case, since I'm a male, they're such assholes! I didn't even know how to respond, so I instinctively shoved him off me and got out o the car ass fast as I could. For another hour or so, I found myself walking around in a newly bought outfit I picked up from the closest clothing store, in which I looked more like "Miss Congeniality 2", but to the gay people I strangely seemed inconspicuous. Well, I wasn't complaining, as long as I had them off my back! After walking around for a couple more hours seeing nothing but men dressed in women's clothing, men constantly french kissing, men making out, and songs like "I'm a Survivor" or "Baby Boy" from some and "Move Bitch" or "Bitches Ain't Shit" from other, more wild clubs, I finally by some miracle, (well lets just say that someone up there deserves some thanks, or it might have been that high Latino druggie that showed me the directions after seeing how desperate I was, I don't know) got home, plopped on my bed completely exhausted, still hearing that loud music ringing in my ears, and fell asleep for two days without even taking off my clothes.

Well, now you know another part of why I hate …Mondays…Oh yeah, and as for my conscience, it ended up staying after returning from Yami's mind just after three days. From then on, it's happy to be with me.

Getting back to Hopkins's question, I said with a quick response "no" and began to walk down the narrow path that led towards the downtown and closer to my school.

I was beginning to think that it was better if I just had stayed hidden under my bed….

/to be continued…/

So…. what did you think? As for me, I'm sure enjoying to write this story! Please write and review. At the end of each chapter, I'm going to say "bye" in a different language.

! До свидания !


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